Stripping down the layers.
For weeks, months probably, I've been shedding layers upon layers of invisible thoughts, patterns, beliefs, programs, ideas... most of which were not consciously or intentionally created.
They are the invisible systems and structures that I was born into, and carry in my DNA and even in my soul-memories.
We are all born into conditions that, as we mature, are the guidelines for how we should live our lives.
Go to school. Get a good job. Buy a house, a car. Have a family.
These are arguably some of the most common guidelines I grew up with.
If you don't go to school, you won't get a good job. Without a good job, you won't be able to have a quality life.
What is a quality life?
Well, here in America it usually is determined by the "things" we have. The tangible, the material- the consumable things. I don't think I have to go into detail here, you probably know what those things are.
I've awakened to the possibility that there might be more than what this condition provides. I've been awake to it for a while. But I didn't grasp it fully until now (and I probably still don't, quite honestly.) This week I have been given a new perspective on what this means for me. Through conversations that suddenly trigger a memory- an ancient memory not of this lifetime, one that has no words, just feelings. To the very conscious feeling that my 'things' actually own me, not the other way around.
But my biggest realization came to me in my dream last night.
It came from observing myself in a setting in which I was trying to play a role that was built into a system but I wasn't trying to play in that system.
Let me be very specific here, because I have a hunch that this is something that many, many other souls on the beautiful Earth experience.
It starts with feminism.
What does it mean to be a feminist? Well, that depends on who you are asking. Feminism is hugely dividing, even among females. And then the post-feminists? Who even knows anymore what feminism actually stands for.
A clever maneuver of Patriarchal society? Maybe.
But the important part is acknowledging that we DO live in a patriarchal society. And here's where it gets funny, because of the many definitions of "patriarchy", one is this:
A term used by feminists, to blame men for all their problems. Jane: "Why have we ran out of bread?" Gill: "Because of the patriarchy.".
Funny, right? In a sad kind of way.
Patriarchy, as I use it here, is a society in which more masculine characteristics are deemed to be acceptable, such as a reliance on logic, intellect, authoritativeness, self-worth is rooted in material gains.
Now, these things aren't inherently "bad". But it leaves no room for full acceptance of more feminine qualities, like emotional intelligence, openness to spirituality and nature-centered abundance.
So what happens when you are someone who is inherently more feminine in (typically women, but also some men as well) their nature, yet they need to function in a patriarchal society?
Wired get crossed. They feel that there is something inherently wrong with them. They try to fit in, but ultimately either simply cannot, or they make themselves physically ill because they are so mentally taxed by changing literally everything about their self every day. (That's extreme... maybe. But, maybe not.)
There's a lot of focus put on the idea of feminism that says we should be equal to men- we should have fair wages, we should have more rights- and I absolutely agree with this. But I don't think this actually addressess the real problem. I think it becomes a distraction, and we are accepting that men DO get favored because they inherently operate better in the system. But not many people are acknowledging that last part. Because who wants to change the ENTIRE system of the ENTIRE world? That's a big task, eh?
But- back to the dream that brought this all fore front of my heart today.
I have struggled a lot with finding my place in the community of online entrepreneurs. What was the most appealing to me at first- the idea that I could run a business at home doing things I'm truly passionate about and on my terms- quickly became almost mythical upon actually entering the industry.
What I experienced was a year of outside searching on what systems and structures I needed to implement to make a profitable business. Systems. Structures. Money.
But I cared absolutely zero about any of that.
Deep in my heart and soul I knew that this new way of entrepreneurship was no different than what my friends and family working in corporate America were doing. But there was a little more freedom, and a little less illusion.
I hated it. And I didn't know why- but now I do.
This system is highly Patriarchal. And again, there's nothing wrong with that- until bringing in a Matriarchal becomes an issue. There HAS to be balance. And there are few places (by that I mean actual places, structures, systems, etc) where Matriarchal models are accepted. Not even in Motherhood. It's regulated, controlled, left to logical concepts.
I don't fit in this system because the feminine side of my being is loud. She is in charge, and she does not like being told she is wrong for being who she is.
In my dream, I saw myself in a business suit out in nature. Smelling flowers, collecting herbs, appreciating the abundance of nature. But I felt so oddly out of place in a business suit- why did I need that here?
And I realized as I awoke, that this is what I have been forcing on myself to feel like I fit into the entrepreneurial world. Even though the things my heart truly yearns to do are things that do not require a business suit- or a professional attire- I've been buying into the myth that I need that to be taken seriously.
And today, I honor that outdated thought. It has opened a door to me to be more in integrity, more in alignment, and a little less tied into the systems that do not serve me in my highest. I Un-become the woman who is wrong for being so feminine. I un-become the woman who needs validation from a system, from people, who don't understand her. I honor Her. I Become Her more fully.
I hope that if you have been carrying this burden too that my words will ease some of the pain.