The darkness in the light
There comes a point in life when we encounter the same challenge enough times that we have to question why it is occurring again and again. Didn't I deal with this the first time? I fixed the problem, why is it coming back to me?
The month of July seemed to be an amplification of all of these cyclical patterns. My ego was bruised severely more than once. Things I thought I had broken through came up to play again. And even more intensely than ever before.
When this happens, there are two choices. You can band-aid it- find a solution to the problem and move on. Or you can enter the darkness.
In the past I fixed the problem at hand, and moved on, thinking that I had "fixed" it enough that it wouldn't reappear. But it always did. And deep down I always knew it was coming back, and i was living with a subtle undertone of fear of it reemerging.
We have to get real with ourselves at some point. To stop coddling the ego and go into the darkness. There's a quote of sorts that I used to hear thrown around that says something to the tone of "darkness cannot exist where there is light".
It's not about making yourself wrong for the darkness, it's about shining in the light. Seeing it for what it is. Because once you can see it for what it is, it cannot exist unless you consciously choose to let it.
So this is what I chose to finally do. Shine the light in. Acknowledge the darkness.
I would get so frustrated with lightworkers who touted their purity. Who would talk about their trials and tribulations and how they came out on the other side as a better person. I can see that a part of me was shaming them in my own mind because that was what I was not willing to do myself. I was not willing to show anyone that I had this darkness that I was succumbing to, I was not willing to even acknowledge the darkness. I was stroking my own ego to keep myself safe (or you can insert comfortable, it's all the same).
I'm going to be really real with you right now. I have had an unhealthy relationship with money. To me, money=control. Anyone who gave me money could effectively control me with this belief.
And because of this, I have justified never making a significant amount of money from anything. I would become moderately successful at something and then quit. And I would always quit for a reason that comforted my ego. I didn't want to be involved in the drama of the workplace. I didn't feel that the amount of money justified the work I did. These two reasons played out more times than I can tell you about. But it was always as I was on the brink of achieving a milestone that involved... more money!
I was actually making nearly $2k per month working from home for a direct sales company when I was approached to advance into a leadership position. I was so excited about it... until it came time for the interview. And I ghosted them so hard. I didn't turn in my application, I didn't schedule my interview and I full-out quit with that company.
I was done. That time my excuse was that the quality of the product was dropping. Was it really? I don't know, actually. Probably not... I let one stone falling out of a necklace create an entire story about the company.
It may seem dramatic, or a little outlandish, but I encourage you to look at where these sorts of patterns play out for you in your life. It may not be with money. It could be in relationships, in the food you eat, or even something as small as how you dress. These are the things, the beliefs and patterns we became conditioned to.
And we can only be the victim of the patterns for so long. At some point, we have to go into the darkness and claim responsibility for our lives. We have to be in the driver's seat, and that means acknowledging when it's time to let things go and move into a different belief system. It can be painful.
Oh do I know how painful it can be. My ego has been a hurt little girl playing through these. I want to blame everyone I can. But blaming and shaming only strokes the ego. It doesn't move us forward. And for me, it was quite literally keeping me from my light. Do you remember when I removed services from my website? Literally not shining my light, not sharing my gifts, not giving anyone the opportunity to experience the healing that I have to offer.
I know that I had to do that to evolve. I had to let the darkness encompass me before I could effectively shine my light into it. And I'm not telling you that I'm through it. I'm not perfect. I know that I still have things to work through, and I know that just because I'm not perfect doesn't make me unqualified to work my light. This was my most recent comfort-seeking ego stroke.
Just illuminating this pattern has blown apart my need to be in the darkness. It has strengthened my light.
I am once again offering healing services, but what felt right at this time was to offer them on a donation-only basis. And Dempsey Brands is now evolving into what I envisioned it to be when I created it, because I am more capable of confidently leading the way and letting potential clients know that I will stand for their light, for their ultimate potential.
But as for this note, here and now, I hope it inspires and empowers you to enter the darkness the next time it comes upon you. The only way through is out, and you will always come out when your intentions are pure.
I love you, and I stand for your light.